


I Can't Save the World If I'm Not Happy

by Vandr



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, EWE, Forced Marriage, Fred Lives, M/M, Powerful Harry, Smart Harry, Snape Lives, Time Travel, marriage law
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-17
Updated: 2018-10-28
Packaged: 2019-08-03 13:12:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply, Underage
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,676
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16326911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vandr/pseuds/Vandr
Summary: The ministry expects Harry to get married and raise babies. He never was very good at following the rules.A response to the old Marriage Law trope (and a few others...)





	1. You can't pay the price of what's already paid

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from the song by Eliza Grace. It's also possible a few lines were paraphrased from Pinky and the Brain...
> 
> I wrote the first chapter years ago, I've recently polished it up and been inspired to write more. Chapters have become non-chronological as I've gone, soz.

_Ginevra Weasley, Draco Malfoy, Severus Snape, Hermione Granger_

The four names inked on the parchment burned through his mind. Four names, four choices.

He had seen the announcement in the paper of course. It was hard to miss, with it blaring across the front page.

“ _Ministry of Magic Passes Decree to Rebuild our World_.”

The decree required all unwed adults of noble families to wed within the next year, and produce an heir within two. A minimum of three further children were required within twenty years of marriage with a generous offer for fertility assessments and treatments. Such action should effectively double the number of wizarding children within a single generation. Potentially more than double, as it was not uncommon for the upper nobility to have only one child.

Four names. Four people he could choose from to marry, or the Ministry would seize his assets, have him obliviated, and dump him in the Muggle world. They had kindly selected a range of ages, genders, and blood purities for his purview. And reading between the lines of the declaration he had received; apparently all capable of preventing him from turning into the next Dark Lord.

“Are you pondering what I’m pondering, Luna?”

“Well I think so, Harry, but why does the chicken cross the road, if not for love?”

Harry smiled at her bemusedly. “Quite right, Luna love.” His expression turned serious as he studied the parchment.

He wondered how the Ministry had come up with those particular names. Two purebloods, two witches, two ‘light’, two pardoned ex-deatheaters. All of them known to him. All of them prepared to do their duty for Wizardkind, by marrying the wealthiest, most eligible Wizard in Great Britain.

And all of them owed him a life debt. It was a peculiar coincidence, as he doubted the events surrounding any of the debts had ever been reported to the authorities. Dumbledore had certainly never reported the incident with the troll in his first year to the MLE, where Harry’s decision to find Hermione on Halloween had saved her life. She had owed no debt to Ronald Weasley for that particular event, as his actions had caused her to be in danger in the first place. You could not accrue a life debt from saving someone from a situation you placed them in.

Ginny of course he had saved during his second year, when he stopped the almost resurrected Tom Riddle Jr from draining her life force. He hadn’t even gotten an acknowledgement from the Weasleys over that one, they seemed to take for granted that he had only done what any good Gryffindor hero would do and required no thanks. But really, what could one expect from people who had no problem with a child being starved and imprisoned in a barred room all summer? Once again, Dumbledore had made no mention of the event to parties outside the school. The Ministry would not have been happy to learn that there had been a basilisk or a rejuvenated Dark Lord underneath the school.

Draco Malfoy would have died in the fiendfyre cast by Gregory Goyle if Harry hadn’t turned his broom around and literally swooped in to save him. The elemental fire _had_ consumed it’s caster, the flames displeased that an inferior wizard had summoned them and not been able to direct or control them. Harry himself had quite an affinity for fire; the flames had danced across his skin and caressed his magic without burning him. Tendrils of his magic had crept out to spread through the flames, taking ownership of the wild hell fire. The flames had cleared a path for him to reach Malfoy’s side at his command, and he had plucked the blond from the burning Room of Requirements and flown him to safety. As the door to the room had shut behind him, his magic had banished the flames and stopped them from burning down the whole castle.

As for Severus Snape, he would have died at Nagini’s fangs if not for Harry’s actions. He hadn’t spoken to Snape since saving his life, didn’t even know if the man had realised that Harry had been the one to save him by pouring his magic into the wound to heal it. He had left the shrieking shack before the man had woken.

The ministry was offering him two choices really, forced marriage to a wizard or witch with the barest illusion of choice, or essentially mental death. Without his memories he would hardly be himself anymore.

“So what are you going to do, Harry?” Luna asked. “They have only given you seven days to inform them of your decision.”

“The only thing I can do, Luna. Try to take over the world.” Harry levitated the parchment above his hand, and with barely a thought summoned a spark of elemental fire to burn it to ash. As the ashes rained to the ground, he offered Luna his hand. “Come sister of my heart, we have plans to make.”

 


	2. And you can't fight for peace with ambition, blood, and gore

“You are a hard man to track down,” Harry said cheerfully as Snape opened the door. “The Wizarding World really should have some kind of self-updating address book.”

“Potter, since I'm no longer your teacher, I don't have to pretend to be interested in your well-being or listen to your inane ramblings any more," Snape replied with his usual scathing tone.

“That was you pretending to care? Wow, I wonder what potions would have been like if you were actively out to get me?” he asked, mock seriously. Snape offered him an unimpressed glare.

“What do you want, Potter? I don't have all day.”

“No, we have seven days don't we?” he said, and understanding dawned on the older man.

Snape crossed his arms. “And what, you're here to ask that I put in a good word for you with Draco?”

“What? Eww. What make's you think I'd be interested in _Malfoy_?” he asked, hoping that his face expressed just how horrified he was with the suggestion.

“Perhaps because the two of you spent seven years figuratively tugging on each other's pigtails?”

“Uh, so did we? Doesn't mean I want to marry the vapid git.”

“Well, since I hardly think you'd need my help to go into hiding in the Muggle World, what is it exactly that you want from me?”

“I rather hoped that you might be up for a bit of death and destruction. I'm planning a rebellion to take over the Ministry.”

Snape finally lost the sullen expression and looked thoughtful. He looked Harry up and down, seemed to deem him serious, then pushed the door open to lead Harry into his home.

***

In the end it didn't even take the full seven days. A day of planning on their own, another to get the word out through Owl messages and a special edition of the Quibbler, and Harry had his rebellion. From there it was only a few more days for them all to get organised.

Five days after receiving the declaration, Harry and several hundred disgruntled survivors of the Battle of Hogwarts had surrounded the Ministry, taken it by force, and deposed the sitting government. It hadn't even been that difficult. Several decades of poor tutelage under Dumbledore's reign as Headmaster meant the last few generations of wizards were completely incapable of defending themselves. They'd taken the Ministry with minimal casualties in under twelve hours.

“Do you intend to be the new Minister for Magic?” Luna asked curiously, as her, Harry and Severus wandered through the crumbling atrium of the Ministry.

“Salazar, no!” Harry exclaimed. “Who wants a job with that much paperwork. I was thinking of taking a leaf from the royal family. I'll be a Grand Duke or something and make the important decisions and hold banquets, and select a prime minister for the legislative work.”

Luna hummed in thought. “You'll probably want to take a consort then, the people do appreciate a leader with family values.”

“Good point,” Harry turned to Severus who hadn't left his side since they'd started planning nearly six days earlier. “Say, Snape, want to get married?”

“Are you mentally deficient, Potter?” he demanded incredulously. “If you were willing to marry me, why did you do all of this?” Severus asked with a gesture at the destruction around them.

“I wasn't the only one being forced to marry, Severus," he replied seriously. "There were thousands of people who received the decree. I don't condone rape. Coercion is not the same thing as consent. I did this, because I didn't stop Voldemort so that the new Ministry could enslave it’s people.”

“That’s not the only reason though, is it?” Severus pushed.

“Already you have come to know the real me,” he chuckled. “I really don’t like doing what I’m told. I guess it's the Gryffindor in me.”

“Well, I do hope you'll stifle those tendencies before we have children. Salazar forbid any child of mine should think recklessness and poor life choices are actually desirable traits.”

Harry laughed with delight, “Well I guess I never have to worry about whether or not you'll be honest with me.”

“Trust me, Harry, Grand Duke or not, I'll have no trouble telling you when you're being an imbecile.”

“Thanks, Sev. That's very kind of you. And in return I'll let you know when I think you're being an arse.”

They dodged out of the way of a falling chandelier.

“You know Harry, my father is a licensed celebrant,” Luna offered. “You two could have a little ceremony tomorrow morning, gather the public in the afternoon and announce your consort at the same time as you claim the regency."

“That's fantastically convenient,” Harry said cheerfully. “Wanna get married for realsies in the morning, Sev?”

“Only if you never say 'realsies' again.”

“Sure thing, Babe.”

“Or 'Babe'.”

A huge crash sounded behind them as a large statue finally gave up pretence of holding together and shattered against the ground.

“Er, maybe we should get out of here before this place falls on our heads,”

“Possibly a good idea,” Severus agreed.

“Our first agreement as an engaged couple!” Harry crowed, linking arms with his fiance on one side and Luna on the other.

“Don't get used to it,” Severus suggested, but didn't pull away as they headed out of the building.

 

 


	3. There's still something to defend when nothing is my friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry had meetings with all of his other potential future spouses before he toppled the ministry. Here's how they went.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was just going to write a short epilogue to follow up, then decided to jump back a few days to a few scenes where Harry speaks to the other people on his List because I like him messing with people.

_Several days earlier..._

 

_Hermione Granger_

Hermione looked resigned but determined as she let him in.

“This whole thing is barbaric!” she insisted, her arms flying up with emphasis. “It's the twentieth century, the government can't just expect us all to get married and have babies like it's our only purpose in life! I didn't fight for our freedom to have this happen!”

“I was a little surprised to see your name on the list I got,” Harry said when she paused for breath. “I really didn't think I was your type.”

“Well, you're not wrong. Because no offence Harry, you're kind of scrawny, and I prefer my men a little well,” she hesitated.

“Dim-witted?” He suggested, thinking of Viktor back in fourth year. “Mooning over you? Appreciative of your genius?”

She winced, but didn't deny any of it. “Well, I just don't think we'd match well. Don't tell Ronald, but I rather like that he's not as smart as me. It means I don't have to constantly compare myself to him, and I can just be myself instead.”

“So why put your name down at all then?”

“Well I had to give you the option of someone who you at least liked. Goodness knows who else the ministry would think to pair you with. I mean, what kind of friend would I be if I left you to their choice and you ended up with a fan girl. Or worse, Malfoy.”

Harry coughed to suppress laughter. “Yeah, imagine that.”

“Did they manage to pair you with anyone you'd actually consider?” she asked curiously.

“You know, I really don't think I want to get married just because someone told me to," He said evasively. "Kinda ruins all the good points to getting married. You know, like wanting to do it.”

“You can't mean you intend to let them obliviate you, Harry? After everything?”

“As much fun as it would be to see people's faces when they realised that's what I picked, and honestly it's so tempting, I was rather thinking I'd go for door number three.”

Hermione pursed her lips in thought. “You're planning something.”

“Yeah, yeah I am,” he rubbed the back of his neck. She did know him well. “How would you like to help plan a mutiny?”

“Let me grab my binder!” she said brightly and jumped to her feet. “I wrote up a plan for this years ago! Just in case, of course.”

 

_Draco Malfoy_

Harry felt a little strange knocking on the door to Malfoy manor. The last and first time he'd been here had been under very different circumstances and he hadn't been an unexpected guest,.  so much as held against his will. Still, Draco and Narcissa had proved themselves at least, and Snape seemed to get on okay with Lucius. 

It was a cranky looking female house elf who opened the door. She eyed his muggle clothing with obvious distaste, but reluctantly led him into a waiting area when he requested a meeting with the family.

All three of them arrived together some ten minutes later, their clothes more formal than lounging in the house would have required. Had to look nice for visitors he supposed. The elf trailed after them, looking disappointed that her humans had agreed to see the muggle-dressed man and she wasn't allowed to throw him out. Their reaction to his appearance was more subtle than the little elf's had been, but the way they paused at almost the same instance and little creases appeared in their brows just made him warm inside. They probably didn't entertain many guests in skinny jeans and band t-shirts.

“Lord Malfoy, I must say you are looking far less haggard then last time we met! And Lady Malfoy, the house really is so much nicer without He-Who-Doesn't-Believe-in-Personal-Hygiene making the atmosphere so gloomy!” Harry said as an opener, getting them even more off-balance immediately. "Actually now that I think about, possibly it was because he didn't have a nose and couldn't smell himself..."

“Mr Potter, I can't say I was entirely expecting you,” Lucius finally managed after gaping most unsophisticated at him. “Please take a seat.”

He gestured at the elf who with a click of her fingers summoned a tea tray and left with another dark glare at him.

“Can we believe you are here perhaps to indicate a positive response to the decree?” Narcissa suggested as she set her tea cup down, having served everyone with a wave of her wand.

“Positive? Oh, no that's not why,” he turned to his former year mate. “Because all offence intended Malfoy, but I'd rather be oblivated and live as a muggle than marry you.”

“Excuse me?” Draco demanded. “I'd make a brilliant spouse! We'd be like, the power couple of the the whole UK!”

“Don't get me wrong, you made a fantastically visible rival in school . You did a great job, very over the top. Seriously, full marks. Took all the attention off the other Slytherins and made it easier for me to meet with them in secret and plot,” Harry offered genially.

“You-, what-,” Draco didn't seem to be able to make a complete sentence.

“Obviously with both Voldemort and Dumbledore out the way now, I don't really need to hide my actions behind our supposed schoolyard rivalry,” Harry continued. “And I rather thought our families might present better as allies once all the commotion has died down next week.”

“And what commotion is that?” Narcissa asked, her gaze sharply intelligent. The two men just looked bewildered at the thought that _Harry Potter_ had been conning them for seven years.

“I'm going to overthrow the government and take over. Shouldn't be hard, I've got people everywhere. But I'm going to need to put someone in as prime minister,” now he was getting down to why he was really here. “Lucius, I understand you've got a history of being good at taking orders from powerful overlords, interested in a new job?”

 

_Ginevra Weasley._

Mrs Weasley was absolutely delighted to see him and gave him a suffocating hug against her chest when Fred led him into the kitchen.

“Oh Harry, it's so good to see you! It's going to be so wonderful to have you as a son. You and Ginny will be just perfect for each other. You're going to give me such  _ beautiful _ grandbabies! Arthur! Ginny! Harry's here!” She didn't pause for breath between greeting him, planning his future out and yelling for family.

It wasn't just the two she named that appeared, but the whole family minus the two eldest brothers that thundered down the stairs and ran in from outside. Mrs Weasley's voice really did carry. Percy was the last one to drag himself down the stairs, standing a little further away from the rest of the family with a permanent scowl on his face.

“Harry!” Ginny yelled and threw herself at him. “I knew you'd come back for me.”

Harry patted her on the back awkwardly and then tried for a few moments to disengage before giving up.

“I'm not going to marry you, Ginny,” he said, exasperated.

“What!” she demanded as she finally pulled back. “We're perfect for each. We have so much in common. We're both Gryffindors, we both like Quidditch, my family is practically your family!”

“Yeah, ok, some of those things might be true. Only the Hat wanted me in Slytherin and I mostly played Quidditch to mess with Malfoy. So honestly I kind of have more in common with Fred and George.”

“Does that mean you're here because you'll have us both, Harrykins?” George asked, hands to his heart.

“Are you here to take us away from this dastardly place?” Fred said with a swoon.

“Wow, as much fun as that sounds, I think the two of you would be more than I could handle. No, I'm actually here for someone else.”

Everyone looked confused, then turned as one to stare at Ron, who blanched.

“Uh, no offence mate, but you're really not my type,” Ron said. “I mean, I'd do anything for you, but I never imagined myself having your babies.”

Harry gave him a lewd look, which had his friend looking worried, then broke out into a grin. “Don't worry Ron, you're off the hook. I have no intention of getting married just because a bunch of old dudes told me to. I'm not here to announce my undying love, so there won't be any Potter-Weasley babies.”

“Oh, but Harry dear, the decree! You'll be exiled if you don't do what they say,” Mrs Weasley said anxiously. “And Ginny really would make you such a good wife.”

“No one is going to exile me,” Harry said firmly. “Because they'll all be out of office by the end of the week.”

Percy was the first one to get it and he started chuckling, “Merlin, you're actually planning to overthrow the government, aren't you Harry?”

“What? Harry wouldn't do that!” Ginny exclaimed. “He's not a dark lord!”

“Come now, Harry. One doesn't just overthrow the government on a whim,” Mr Weasley said gently. “You're just in denial, you need to think about your future, son.”

“You're not wrong. It would take ages to pull it off. And probably a lot help. Don't you think, Percy?”

“Oh yes, years even, and all sorts of people in key positions. People you trusted in the Ministry for sure,” Percy agreed. “Good thing you started more than seven years ago then isn't it?”

This time it was Percy who had them all speechless.

“Percy?” Mr Weasley asked. “What are you on about?”

“I recruited Percy in my first year,” Harry said with a shrug. “Over Christmas actually while they're weren't too many people around to notice. He's done an absolutely fantastic job spying for me over the years. Got the trust of so many important people while working at the Ministry. Even managed to keep his position when old Moldy-Voldy took over. Couldn't ask for a better agent really.”

“Merlin, Percy. How were you not a Slytherin?” Fred demanded. “We had no idea. Us!”

“Yeah Percy, you let the whole family hate you for years!” George said, all laughter gone from both twins.

“Honestly, what kind of spy advertises?” he said with a roll of his eyes. “I was under-cover. I really can't understand how Snape did his job when so many people knew he was supposed to be a spy.”

“I think it was the surly disposition. The students didn't really think he was evil incarnate, just maybe, related.” Harry said with a chuckle. “Anyway, I am going to need you to stick your neck out for me again. In fact, I'm going to need help from all of you to pull this off. “

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because honestly, Percy gets such a bad rap. And I think if Harry was recruiting, he is absolutely perfect.


	4. In my head, like I said

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Severus has a conversation with Lucius about Harry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story has rapidly become very non-chronological... I keep going to write the epilogue and writing another chapter instead.

Lucius strolled through his fireplace and into his sitting room without so much as a hello, and flung himself into the ugly but comfortable armchair he always claimed when he visited Severus over the summer to complain about how hard it was to be rich and successful.

Severus gestured his wand vaguely in the direction of his liquor cabinet and a bottle of scotch and two glasses floated over and poured servings. Lucius downed his in one go. He didn’t even make his usual complaint about the quality.

“Severus I think I must be delirious. _Harry Potter_ paid me a visit today, and do you know what he wanted?” Lucius demanded.

“Your help in staging a hostile takeover?” Severus suggested idly, without glancing up from his book. He could picture the look on his friend’s face, but it would ruin his projected image of indifference to actually look up.

“Why am I always the last to know things these days?” Lucius yelled abruptly. “Of course you know already!. Just like you probably knew that Potter was only pretending to be rivals with my Draco as a cover story for all his plotting!”

Actually he hadn’t known that. Their mutual dislike had seemed rather genuine. Though he’d known something was up with the boy from the very first Potions class. His mind had always leaked amusement every time they interacted over the years no matter his outward appearance. That Potter had been playing a game with the whole school right from the start was obvious, just not his endgame.

Harry Potter faking a seven year rivalry was totally something he’d do though, and that he had to admit he admired in the younger man. In fact he’d done something similar when he was at school, calling all of the attention of the Marauder thugs to himself so they wouldn’t attack the other students who weren’t as capable of defending themselves. The fact that he’d routinely won or drawn fights against four wizards had been a source of pride for him, and had helped make him into the master duellist he was today. Knocking that bunch of idiots down a peg regularly had also been very satisfying.

More recently, as a professor there were plenty of people he associated with he had pretended to like when he couldn’t stand them, _*cough*_ _Dumbledore_ , eh-hem. And others he had had to act hostile to when he was really indifferent to them. Fortunately there were also many he could show his open loathing of.

“There, there, Lucius, you can’t be expected to keep up with those of us trained in the arts of deception,” he said mockingly. Never mind he’d also never caught onto the fact that Potter had ‘take over the world’ on his bucket list. But he was much better at faking it and he’d take that secret to his grave.

“There’s no need to patronise me! I’m plenty deceptive,” he said petulantly, like it was a desirable trait in the average person.

“No my friend, what you are is _rich_. You throw money at problems to get your way. It’s not the same thing as being underhanded or convincing somebody that doing what you want is actually their idea.”

Lucius deflated. “I guess you’re right, it’s better to be rich.” Not what he meant, but if it cheered up his friend then he’d roll with it – or roll his eyes anyway. “At least you’re honest with _me_ though, right. _Right_?”

“I’m probably more honest with you than any other wizard I know,” Severus replied evasively. Lying by omission and subtle coaxing hardly counted right? “Want another scotch?”

“Ugh, just fill the glass.”


	5. Epilogue

_‘Malfoy-Weasley Team Set to Usher Britain Into a New Age!’_ declared the headline.

“What I wouldn’t have given to see Lucius’ face when he found out you wanted Percy Weasley as his deputy,” Severus said as he admired the Daily Prophet’s headline. Lucius had been sworn in as Great Britain’s first magical prime minister seven days after the old ministry had fallen, and Percy had been at his side as he took the oath.

“I’ll show you the memory sometime,” Harry said with a chuckle. “I had considered just giving Percy the top job, but as Luna said, people do appreciate a family man. Lucius has a few years on Percy, and a lot of respect in the pureblood society. Percy will quiet the die-hard Dumbledore supporters who wanted a more muggleborn-friendly wizard in charge, and make sure policy goes in the direction I want it to.”

Severus tossed the paper aside and moved to join Harry on the edge of the balcony. There was a spectacular view of their new manor’s gardens – and no other people around to ruin the sight.

“Harry, if I ask you a question, will you tell me the truth?” Severus asked quietly.

“Sure, ask anything,” Harry offered.

“That’s a dangerous offer to a man like me.”

“A man like you is my husband,” Harry argued. “And I don’t intend to lie to him.”

Severus thought about how to pose his question. He’d had a lot of time to sort through his thoughts on Harry since the Dark Lord’s death six months earlier. And the last few weeks had provided clues into a lot of behaviour that Severus had found unusual in the man’s teenage years at Hogwarts.

That Harry had been secretly recruiting for years was significant. But the biggest clue honestly was _Percy_. He’d been spying on the ministry for Harry for years, and he was well placed too. He had been present in every public session, and in many of the backroom ones too no doubt. So, with him in place, there was no way that Harry hadn’t known about the marriage law before it came into effect. And after his spectacular defeat of the Dark Lord, he had had the political pull to stop that law before it was signed. To which the only obvious conclusion was that Harry had known about it and done nothing, because he’d _wanted_ it to come into law.

With that law in place, it hadn’t been very hard for Harry to find support against the ministry. A ministry that was supposed to be free of dark wizards now, and of which no decent law abiding citizen would consider overthrowing. However to have the hero of the Wizarding World accuse them of trying to enslave their people, and then very publically save the day, _again_ , made for a lot of very grateful people. People who cheered and cried when he announced himself as Grand Duke, and very readily welcomed his rule.

“Loyalty is more powerful than fear,” Severus murmured, studying his young husband.

“Ask your question, Love,” Harry said, looking him in the eye with a soft smile. “You’ve worked it all out haven’t you? Clever man.”

Severus took a deep breath, but honestly, he already knew the answer.

“Harry, are you a time traveller?”


End file.
